Backstage Twelfth Night: Olivia’s Snog Marry Avoid

“Some of the greatest love affairs I’ve known have involved one actor – unassisted” – Wilson Mizner

It’s the penultimate week of rehearsals, and as you can imagine in a production like this, the cast are beginning to ask some serious questions of themselves. What was Shakespeare REALLY trying to communicate to me when he put in that half line? What is it that prompts my character to shift from prose to verse? Who in this room would I snog, marry or avoid?!? You know what actors are like – yes those things you heard are probably true – don’t judge.
Two weeks is more than enough time to make these crucial decisions, in fact, usually, minds are made up from the first rehearsal. We have the all important table read, which is a good time to show off any external character preparation we may have done, words we’ve looked up and a great opportunity to really size up the rest of the talent in the room! But this has been tough!
That rehearsal room is overflowing with talent in every sense of the word! So, after dipping my toe into this hot pit of intense emotions and, supreme artistry, I have decided, the best way to hedge my bets for a cheeky showmance is to write two snog marry avoid lists, one for myself and one for who I think my character would snog, marry or avoid were she in the room. I leave it to you to decide which is which!
Nick/Feste – A complete dark horse! A flash of those baby blues and those sweet dulcet tones leaves me weak at the knees! There is no saying no to anything he may ask – especially if he asks it through song.
It’s got to be Robert/Toby – we share a love of small platters of marine life in the morning – I’m seeing us, in bed of a Sunday, eating sardines on toast with loads of butter – what a catch!
One does not like to avoid anybody…buuuut nobody likes the smell of fried chicken and chips at 11.00 in the morning Tony/Malvolio! I wouldn’t say no though, if he tried to pop a little battered thigh in my mouth.
And now for…. Olivia/Olivia
Without a doubt Anne Marie/Maria, Pepter/Viola and myself would be like the Shakespearian equivalent to Destiny’s Child but we’d be kissing – we would rule the world. Fact.
What a gent Henry/Sebastian is. We have the same taste in cheese, chocolate and films so I’m pretty sure we’re a match made in heaven. I know that it won’t take much to convince him to marry me either!
Now, I am going to put my liver first on this one and avoid Julian/Orsino. A cheeky Count about town I don’t think I could keep up while maintaining a blood alcohol level of below 0.12%. There also aren’t enough carbonated drinks in the west end to rehydrate the both of us!
Amendment – 
Upon the discovery that Henry/Sebastian is partial to an egg mayonnaise bagel, I would hereby like to annul our marriage…and marry Julian/Orsino instead.
I have come to the conclusion that a life befouled by the stench of eggy sandwiches it too much to concede. So clear the table, bring on the body shots, I’ll take my chances on a dalliance with the demon drink!!
Olivia Onyehara – Olivia Onyehara